How to be a real Swellesley-ite

MAR.2014

Lately we’ve noticed the usual springtime glut of real estate activity around town and we’d like to offer our very welcome new residents some tips for settling in. So recent arrivals, if you want to establish yourself as a real Wellesley-ite as soon as possible, here’s how:

*Purchase a perfectly lovely home.  Gut-remodel  it before sleeping so much as one night in it.

*Better yet, purchase a perfectly lovely home.  Tear it down.

*Send your kids to the school in your district. Rubbing elbows with the sort of riff raff that populates our public schools keeps things real.

*If you do send your kids to private school, frame it as a class size issue.

*Homeschool them?  I think not.

*Address your child’s elementary school teachers by first name.  They will address you in kind.

*Address your child’s middle and high school teachers by Mr., Mrs., or Ms.  They will address you in kind.

*Bid on something at a school auction that is completely useless to you.  The higher you have to bid, the better.

*Join a town committee.  Or three.  Community service means something around here.

*Avoid Wellesley Square on Wednesdays, when all elementary schools students are released at noon.

*Act like Natick is a total road trip, even though it is a contiguous town.

*Buzz down to the Cape mid-week without a moment’s hesitation to check on something or other at the beach house.

*You DO have a beach house, don’t you?

*Accidentally over-schedule your child.  Publicly tear your hair out over it for the rest of the year.

*Go ahead and run around in town in nothing but yoga pants and fleece all week, but don’t even think about leaving the house without one or more carats.

*Have a job that cannot be explained in one word.  You’ll need to discuss this one over drinks.

*Schedule business meetings at Maugus diner.

*Make friends in town and help them in business.

*Be blonde.  Be thin.  Being both couldn’t hurt.

*Wander to towns a bit farther afield and become shocked when your interactions don’t run as smoothly as they do at home.

*Join a book group.

*Have no idea where the nearest laundromat, tattoo parlor, or proposed marijuana dispensary is.

*Know exactly where the three closest liquor stores are.

(Make Swellesley your home page.  Like Swellesley on Facebook.  Follow Swellesley on instagram.

 

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6 Comments

  1. Bob
    Posted May 12, 2014 at 8:48 am | Permalink

    This piece is so hysterically funny because it is so accurate. No one is being made fun of because they are generous or decent and let’s face it: no one actually needs an SUV the size of a Mack truck, or a house the size of an aircraft hanger. But people buy them to make a statement, and that type of lifestyle deserves to be lampooned.

  2. Denorah
    Posted May 12, 2014 at 7:41 am | Permalink

    Back your Suburban up to the recycling center at the dump because you believe in a sustainable world.
    And lighten up BamBam – it’s just funny.

  3. AngelaR
    Posted May 11, 2014 at 6:26 am | Permalink

    This is funny and has a ring of the truth. People who resemble this should laugh too. It’s good to be honest with yourself.

  4. Deidra
    Posted May 10, 2014 at 9:32 pm | Permalink

    I posted this to my facebook page, and sent to friends whom are not on facebook.
    Responses are “one of the best, ever.” “Thank you for this” etc, etc.

    I would have been crying with laughter had I been witty enough to come up with this. Great humor it’s fun to laugh at ourselves!

  5. BamBam
    Posted May 9, 2014 at 1:45 pm | Permalink

    This is in incredibly poor taste and negative. I am embarrased you feel this way- why not spend your time on doing good in the world, being good role models for your children, rather than tearing others down, hiding behind the context as “humor?” It seems your focus is on material things- not others. Sad, really.

  6. angela donovan
    Posted May 8, 2014 at 5:21 pm | Permalink

    drive nothing but a Mercedes or a Lexus preferably with the moon roof. the bigger the better

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