April Fools’ Day special: If The Swellesley Report & The Onion were combined
For April Fools’ Day, we asked our friend ChatGPT to use its artificial intelligence magic and rework a handful of our past Swellesley Report headlines in the satirical style of The Onion, “America’s Finest News Source.”
We can’t argue against the fact that some were improved… though upon closer inspection, the not-always-trustworthy AI engine sorta made up the original Swellesley headlines on which it based on The Onion ones.
Swellesley original: “Coyoytes causing concern in Wellesley after multiple pet attacks.”
Onion style: “Wellesley Coyotes Form Neighborhood Watch, Target ‘Suspicious’ Labradoodles”
Original: “Babson College ranked among top entrepreneurial schools in U.S.”
The Onion Version:: “Babson College Named ‘Best for Entrepreneurs’—Freshmen Already Trying to Monetize Their Roommates”
Original: “Wellesley parents push for later high school start time”
The Onion Version: “Parents Advocate for Later High School Start Time, Teens Demand Noon Dismissal”
Original: “Wellesley officials discuss plans for traffic improvement”
The Onion Version: “Wellesley Officials Discuss Traffic Plan, Agree Best Solution Is Just to ‘Own a Helicopter’”
Original: “Wellesley unveils new public art installation”
The Onion Version: “Wellesley’s New Public Art Unveiled, Town Immediately Split Between ‘Genius’ and ‘My Kid Could Do That’”
Original: “Wellesley Public Schools to review cell phone policy”
The Onion Version: “Wellesley Schools Consider New Phone Policy; Students Respond ‘Lol, Good Luck With That’”
Original: “Wellesley Recycling & Disposal Facility expands composting program”
The Onion Version: “Wellesley Residents Now Composting at RDF; Still Feel Guilty About That One Plastic Straw From 2019”
Original: “Wellesley Housing Authority plans affordable housing expansion”
The Onion Version: “Wellesley Discusses ‘Affordable Housing’ While Trying Not to Make Eye Contact With Each Other”
A sampling of past April Fools’ Day posts that may or may not hold up, if they ever did:
2015: Here we go again — Wellesley eco-activists rally around South 41
2014: Sources: Wellesley commissions more near-naked Sleepwalker statues
2013: Wellesley teachers vie to top “You’re not special” commencement speech
2012: As Wellesley liquor licenses pour in, some fear “Pottersville” scenario
2011: Wellesley schools hatch plan to fill empty downtown storefronts
2010: Wellesley preservationists’ new target: Grossman’s site
2009: Wellesley’s latest Perrin Park controversy: Purebreds vs. mutts